


How FN-2187 Found Out Kylo Ren is Afraid of Spiders

by Tozierfloats



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Arachnophobia, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:34:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21965029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tozierfloats/pseuds/Tozierfloats
Summary: Before leaving the First Order, FN-2187 makes an interesting discovery about Kylo Ren.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	How FN-2187 Found Out Kylo Ren is Afraid of Spiders

**Author's Note:**

> I just thought this was kind of funny. TROS did Hux wrong.

"Ren."

Silence.

" _Ren_."

No response.

"Ren, stop being a child."

Ren glared at him from the corner of the small fresher in Ren's quarters. He crossed his arms over his chest, and shifted his weight.

"No."

Hux sputtered.

" _No?_ what-- REN."

Ren only glared with further intensity. Hux felt the last dredges of his patience withering away, as it so often did when he was forced to deal with Ren's _idiotic_ and _childish_ attitude.

"For kriff's sake-- it's only a spider, Ren! You've fought worse!"

From his corner in the fresher, Ren finally stood.

" _Only_ a spider! That's not a spider, that's a Wookie! I have _limits,_ Hux."

" _You_ have limits?! You push _my_ limits every day! I am the General of the First Order! How is this my life?! This-- this is not a _real_ problem, Ren! Just kill the kriffing spider!"

Suddenly, Ren let out an inhuman shriek and ignited his lightsaber. Hux reeled back.

 _Kylo Ren going to murder me because I wouldn't kill a spider for him,_ was his only thought before he caught sight of the (admittedly rather large) spider scurrying across the floor between them, heading right for Ren at an impressive speed. Ren let out another shriek before throwing himself over the spider at Hux with his lightsaber still ignited.

For the second time in as many minutes, Hux thought _Kylo Ren is going to murder me because he's afraid of kriffing spiders._ This thought was interrupted when Ren's bony elbow slammed into his throat.

"Get _off_ me, for kriff's sake!" he shouted, choking, as Ren wailed and kicked him in his efforts to further distance himself from the spider in the fresher. For a moment he laid there, unable to reconcile the events of the past five minutes with his role as a general in the First Order. From somewhere behind him, he heard a gasp.

" _Hux._ "

He groaned. Ren stepped closer to him.

"Hux, don't move."

 _What?_ Hux opened his eyes. Above him, Ren stood, lightsaber ignited in his hand, a manic look in his eyes. He squinted in concentration as he stared down at Hux, shifting his grip on the handle of his weapon.

"Ren, what the kriff are you doing?" he asked weakly.

"Just don't move, Hux. It will be over quickly."

For the third time that morning, Hux found himself thinking _Kylo Ren is going to murder me because he's gone insane. And then everyone will mock me for having such a ridiculous demise, and then I'll become a cautionary tale on why you should never work closely with a Force user--_

Ren raised his lightsaber. Hux squeezed his eyes shut. This was it. What a way to go out. And then--

_"Eek!"_

Hux squinted open one eye. Ren had backed away from him, and was staring at his chest with terror.

"Ren? What--"

"IT MOVED," Ren bellowed. "I ALMOST HAD IT AND IT'S MOVING, HUX."

Hux felt dread grow in his stomach. Slowly, he turned his eyes down to look at his own chest. Staring back at him were eight beady eyes. He felt relief at first-- Ren had not intended to murder him, after all! And then the reality of his situation hit him. Despite believing Ren to be childish in his fear, Hux did not wish for a spider to be crawling on him. He felt a scream bubbling up in his own throat. The large abomination of a creature took another step (or three) towards his face, and Hux felt his resolve crumble.

"REN. GIVE ME YOUR LIGHTSABER, REN."

"No! You don't know how to use it!"

"Give it _here_ , Ren!"

Suddenly, there came a knock on the door. Drawing on any boldness he had, Hux scrambled to his feet, throwing the spider off his chest. 

"Come in!" he called in a higher-pitched voice than he would have liked. He cleared his throat and glanced to his left at Ren, who was attempting to fix his hair while looking around nervously for the spider. From the now open door, FN-2187 nervously watched as the General and the leader of the Knights of Ren stared at him in silence.

"Excuse me for interrupting... Supreme Leader Snoke has requested your presence on the bridge. Both of you," he clarified, looking slightly bewildered. Without another look at Ren, Hux grinned manically at FN-2187.

"Excellent!" he said brightly, as though the last five minutes had never happened at all, and strode out of the room. Behind him, Ren followed, FN-2187 trailing along silently.

As they arrived at the bridge, Ren leaned towards Hux and whispered "I am not sleeping in my quarters until that beast is _found_ and _killed_. I'm taking your bed and you can sleep on the floor since I'm sure this whole affair is your fault anyway."

FN-2187 only saw Hux's look of rage before the doors closed behind General Hux and Kylo Ren.

(later, at the Resistance)

"And that," said Finn, to a group of Resistance fighters, "is how I found out that Kylo Ren is arachnophobic."


End file.
